Being a mom and keeping a household running is like playing Russian Roulette, you never know when shit is going to blow up in your face.  Today, I felt like I was playing some fucked up game of poker where I was held hostage and anchored to the table by metal bands.  The ante kept increasing exponentially until it was waaaaay the fuck higher than I had ever imagined or agreed to.

I started off the day with some anxiety/depression that I am dealing with from the past 3 years of extreme medical issues.  My treadmill is barely two years old and is a major outlet for getting my steps and dealing with my ongoing issues.  I climb aboard and I almost fall a few times because the belt keeps lagging while the speed display stays the same.  I trouble-shoot as best I can and it stops working.  Period.  The display will turn on, but the belt will not run.  I head downstairs to find the paperwork which leads us directly into the poker metaphor.  Picture being on the phone for THREE HOURS straight while you are transferred from one clueless person to the next across Sears service and Nordic Track.  I had my receipt directly in front of me (which some jackass printed on the back of an extended warranty flyer complete with a grid breakdown because apparently retrieving a new receipt roll was just too difficult).  I actually remember thinking it was idiotic at the time, but I was dealing with constant and rare blood sugar issues and it was a long process so I was beyond ready to get the hell out of dodge.  The reason I even bring up the receipt is because I am certain now that said jackass did not enter warranty information correctly.  Why, you ask?  Because half of the people that I talked to couldn’t even see that we had purchased a service agreement and I was staring right at it.

Step 1 is calling the service line to get a technician out.  After jumping through many hoops of button-pushing I am told by the robotic automated voice that they cannot locate my telephone number.  So I call back and say “representative” three times before getting someone who is clearly in an outsourced call center.  After giving him all of my information he says he will transfer me to the correct department and wait with me until I get a person.  He transfers me to the same damn number I just called and he is no longer on the line.  I call the number back and ask three times for a “person” and I explain the situation.  They give me the same spiel about not being able to find my warranty and that they need to transfer me.  I write down the phone number and I am transferred.  The guy sounds knowledgeable and says “I know why they couldn’t find the information because this particular treadmill model is one of the few that has to be serviced by NordicTrack so I will hold with you and get you to the right place.”  Great (I think)!  Yay!  I’m making progress and this will soon be resolved.

Keep in mind the entire time I am on the phone I have a screaming toddler who is clearly being possessed by some otherworldy demon today.  She was either screaming in a bloodcurdling manner or banging around or yelling “no” at me repeatedly like I was quite daft.  All of this fun was joined by refusing to eat any single effing thing I put in front of her.

He comes back on the line a total of six times in forty minutes to tell me the wait is longer than usual.  The final time he tells me he has exceeded the amount of time for my call and must hang up but I am second in line, so it shouldn’t be much longer.  I wait another ten minutes.  A lady comes on the line from NordicTrack and asks for my registration info.  I didn’t know I needed that information and she tells me in an annoyed voice that she will “register me now”.  I run upstairs while GG screams hellaciously in the background and I crawl underneath to find the model number etc.  She asks for date of purchase and informs me that I am in the wrong department and she will have to transfer my call.  It turns out that this department the guy was so sure about is for warranty only and not extended service agreements.

I mentally bang my head into the floor and I hear music.  There is no prompt and no one comes on the line to tell me to hold or what my place in line is or anything.  I hang up and dial the number she gave me in case the call got disconnected and this is where shit really gets fun.  I push a bunch of prompts and I am on hold.  I push the corresponding sequence to get a return call and I redial the service department.  I explain the entire situation and Mr. Outsourced McGee 2.0 transfers me back to the original Sears number that cannot see any of my warranty information.  I hang up and call again.  You know the drill by now (person, representative, person).  This time I get Mrs. Outsourced and she tells me I have no warranty.  In the middle of this the Nordic Track people return my call.  I click over while I am on hold and the gentleman informs me that I do not have a warranty and he cannot pull anything up in his system.  At this time, I lose it.  I just lose my shit and start sobbing on the phone to a complete stranger;  yelling everything I have learned throughout this jacked up Odyssey of phone calls.  Ten minutes and eighty questions later (after telling me several times I did not have a warranty) he finds the information.  As for an explanation he tells me he had to enter it into a different part of his system because originally someone did not enter it correctly (shocker).  He orders me parts and says it will take about a week and to call technician (that should call me) back to schedule a time once I have received parts.

After getting a correct telephone number in case none of these things happen and finding out he fixed info in the system so people can find me, I hang up with a broken brain.  I immediately call the Sears where I purchased the treadmill and leave a message in the fitness department with the manager.  I call the original service number back and and ask to speak to a supervisor and I am put on hold for another ten minutes until suddenly I am transferred to get in line to speak to a regular representative.  No one has returned any of my phone calls and I finally gave up because I was at a point where I truly wanted to shank someone, so I did the only logical thing and took a nap with GG.