Scene I

I hate when he takes care of her.  I realize that sounds counter-productive to myself and perhaps you are thinking that I should be relieved?  He gives her a bath and then leaves her in a slippery tub after so that he can put his socks on.  I’m going to say that again because it bears repeating:  he put his socks on.   Just in case you think that the majority of this is my fault for being a micromanaging nightmare, let me make a few points.  He currently has many tools and sharp objects laying on the floor in his office including something that looks like a bad-ass crow bar pointing sharp side up.  Also, it has been there for over a week.  I am constantly baffled and stunned.  Here’s a tip: no matter how calmly you try to present it, men do not like being told anything negative about themselves.

Me: There’s mold in your office and trash overflowing everywhere plus a crowbar, I have noticed these things for over a week.  Can we please not let this happen anymore?  Our child is into everything and FAST.  You tire out after one hour of playing with her.

Hubband: Well I’ll keep my office clean when you keep the kitchen cleaner.

Me: Yes, because dirty dishes and rinsed out bottles waiting to be washed is exactly the same as your office situation.

Hubband:  I’m not going to bother to make sense or answer you.  You micromanage.

Me:  Yes I do, because left to your own devices our child doesn’t get bathed more than once a week.  Oh yes and left to your own devices we would be reported to the health department and that hasn’t happened to me since I was 19 years old and living on my own.

Hubband: Backs up the stairs silently until his grin disappears behind the wall.

 

Scene II

 

Me: (Walks into husband’s office blah blah blah.  Close door.  Open door promptly back up and query), “Is that soft jazz you are listening to?”

Hubband: Yes.  Do you have a problem with that?

Me: No, no problem.  I just feel like am in a really nice department store circa the early 2000’s

****

The next day

Me: It was so dorky of you

Hubband:  (looks at me like I am all of a sudden naked in front of his parents or like I had just spontaneously grabbed his boss’s junk) That was Miles Davis.

Me:  Crickets

Me:  Oh….I had no idea

Hubband:  Yeah, I love Kind of Blue

Me:  Oh…..well I like Billie Holiday (said defensively).  I know one of her songs.  Tori covered it, it’s called Strange Fruit.