Today I am frustrated beyond belief and extremely saddened. I knew that putting things out in the universe online was going to be extremely difficult and that I was going to get my super-sensitive feelers hurt. I knew this in theory, but the reality sucks.
I threw a metaphorical fit and wrote a post on reddit because I was so upset that my stay-at-home mom piece was interpreted by women as being downgrading to working moms. I got on my righteous anger high horse and did a stupid and destructive thing. Even at 9 years sober, I make mistakes. I lash out. I don’t see my flaws the exact second they are pointed out to me. I fuck up (and sometimes a lot). I fuck- up in my marriage. I fuck-up with my kid. I fuck-up at blogging.
I am not glossy or put-together (and I never have been). I can appreciate how beautiful the younger me was as I am getting older, but I did not appreciate her then. I can only assume this will continue to happen as I age (so 36 year old me needs to get on board with where I am- like right the hell now). It isn’t easy. I want to react and look at the negative attributes (losing hair rapidly, still overweight, breasts so-not perky anymore, feel dumber) and throw a pity-party with them all day. And then I think about GG and how I want her to live her life. I think about how I want her to believe she is beautiful at any weight. I don’t want her to have this vicious critic in her head, but if I don’t put forward the action, she will be another in a line of women who made themselves miserable trying to be skinnier, prettier, shapelier, flatter-tummy-er, whatever-else-we-can-come-up-with-in-the-future-er.
So, I got online this morning after the barrage of hateful emails and the barrage of hateful responses to said rant and I made an honest amends. It sucked. Most of reddit hates me. I despise that feminist me (since at least high school) made other women feel less than. I have to avoid tipping over into morbid reflection and owning everything. I know I am not responsible for the way people take things, but I also know if a few people are saying the same thing, they probably have a point.
So, just for today, I hope to make this world a slightly better place in whatever way I can. I own my mistakes and I try to move on and learn from them. Painful lessons create growth and after the last three years, I don’t want to grow anymore. I am stamping my tiny little metaphorical feet. I am GG in a corner throwing a fit and turning purple and snot-ridden. That will not fix anything, so I can only try to act. But damn, fit-throwing is sometimes extremely hard not to do, especially when righteous anger is involved. It is so easy to play the victim and so much more difficult to own your part in all of the things in your life that you have been unsatisfied with.