- Note: I am the short, wide one with red hair that the middle school students are all taller than
My pregnancy was not what you would title “typical”. Every single doctor we saw said some version of this “It isn’t the standard thing, your case is rare.” Awesome. I’m rare when it comes to medical bullshit and trauma. It took my (sonogramologist? Sonogramist? Sonographer? She-who-administers-thine-ultrasound?) calling me a “character” and laughingly telling me to limit my f-bombs around my impending cherub to light the proverbial fire under my ass. I thought if i shared some of my miserable and scary experiences it might help someone else.
I’m not sure if I’m so much a character, or if my character is suppressed during my days of teaching and in “society” (i.e. the grocery store and in the company of anyone who is not a sailor) and comes barreling out in unadulterated naked joy while in the presence of those I trust, or those I give a crap less about, either/or applies here. I thought I could (maybe) create humorous stories if only by sharing my bumbling, klutzy, HI-larious wisdom and situational humor (brought on by the previous thereby creating the latter). Or, a normal person might say my klutziness is to my-dorky-ass life as other women’s poise and refinement is to their boring lives. Or maybe that is just an SAT question, but I digress….
So here I find myself in a fragmented part of a fragment in my fifth month of pregnancy, planning a wedding and buying a house with TLOML (the love of my life…..wow that is an ugly-ass acronym). Maybe we can just call him Tee-Lahhmell kind of like ROFLMAO (roffelmaauuoo). Perhaps we can also fittingly call me tangential-annie or she-who-goes-off-on-many-a-tangent.
I have begun to fulfill my destiny as the worst pregnant woman ever. I pee and throw-up everywhere (and I do mean everywhere). I have thrown up religiously and continuously throughout this entire pregnancy and all of the specialists still can’t make it stop. It is like a really disgusting and over-the-top talent no one admires or wants around. The really cool part is that, lately, every time I throw up, I also pee. The man I will one day call Hubband has now permanently placed the dog car seat protectors in the front seat for me to sit on. I would argue with him, but he’s not really preparing needlessly, so much as regularly preventing urine from soaking into his car seats.
We have been looking for a house for the two previous months and visited at least 40 homes. I am not even using a single bit of hyperbole when I say I have peed in every single one. I am only 5-1’ and as my OBGYN states there is very little space for my stuff to go. Meaning my poor internal organs must reshape themselves into a configuration that allows baby to thrive and there isn’t any damn room at the inn. As a result, the pressure some women feel on their bladders by month 8 seems to already be here now.
More pregnancy fun to follow……