Being reborn is so painful
Theres mucous in my eyes
and blood in my throat
and I’m choking on viscous and bile
Who am I becoming?
Is this who I am supposed to be?
This tiny girl
carrying an extra 40 pounds.
and inarticulate sounds
In a relationship I am unsure of
in a life I have always been unsure about
I thought I was supposed to be in this coccon
Wrapped safely up
a place of sobriety
a haven of assuredness
I want to spin….
I’m always spinning anyhow
So why not more weed? More alcohol?
I could try coke this time
Bury myself in the arms of a different way to be
It’s so uncomfortable being me
Being real and secure
as if that exists
All these people walking around….unaware that they will lose everyone or everything
until they lose themselves
but that’s the way it is supposed ot be
and after all, isn’t it the attitude that is supposed to carry us through?
If freefalling is free than why does it seem like it always ends in shackles?
Using always shackles me
It’s never enough
I’m never enough?
My parents were’t?
Can I really reinvent myself one more time?
Can I really knock on the door and see this woman
This young woman who is aging now
The one I picture in the framework of my past
I thought i had worked through all of these feelings…..I thought I had finally understood that being an alcoholic was a gift
Sometimes heavy in its responsibility but a gift nontheless